Unmasked

Tonight I sat behind my steering wheel of my car in utter tears. I wasn’t upset. I was broken and still am and will always be. But I was in car writing an email to my pastor, that never got sent.

I was writing because I am feeling unworthy and I don’t how to deal with it. I don’t know how to act when I am weak. I don’t know what to do. I am calling this “UnMasked” because I hide behind my smile, I hide behind a mask that is not true. In the email it stated “I don’t like to open up. I hate it. It makes me weak and I don’t like it. It’s like I’ve been hiding behind a mask” then it clicked. I have been hiding. All my life I hid behind this mask. A mask of “I’ve got it all together” but I don’t. No one does. But I was taught at a young age by people, I don’t know who, that showing weakness as a woman was not a good thing. Asking for help is saying you’re not good enough. I was always taught to figure out the problem and fix it that’s everything from technical, emotional, physical, and mental.

I don’t want to open up but today I feel unloved; I feel worthless; I feel like a failure, and I don’t know how to stop from feeling that way. I don’t know how to fix it. It could be because I’m 28 and I am single never been on a true date and lonely. Everyone I know is either is either getting married or having kids and I have no one. I have been in terrible relationships and one night stands. I went down a road where I wanted to feel worthy, so I got on “dating” sites, and met up with people and “had fun” . Looking back I have pity on myself because I thought that was the measure of my worthiness, how many guys showed interest. How many guys told me “they cared”. They could’ve cared less.

My worthiness I know comes from God. I am worthy of it all because I am a daughter of a king. I am worthy because All Might Powerful God says I am. I am loved because Jesus loves me. If I am doing the will of God, As there maybe some potholes and speed bumps along the way, God will not let me fail.

So in all as I might feel this way now. It’s just all but for a moment. I will get out of this rut, this pothole by Christ alone, not
by people lifting up egos, or taking sides but by the pure love of Christ.

Scars of the Past

I realized that scars of the past are the hardest to hide and hardest to get rid of. If you sit and dwell and pick at the scars all they will do is come back worse.

I can say to me I had a bad childhood
, that’s my excuse, but it’s not. I have no excuse of why I would dwell in a past that I cannot change. I did for many years thinking my life COULD be different. I COULD be married, I COULD have kids, I COULD have done this or that if my life was different. But IT’S NOT. I lost myself for many years that I don’t even remember who I was or am.

After I met Jesus things started to change, but it has taken years for the scars to get mended. It has taken years for God to tell me and for me to listen, ‘It’s time to move on’. I am finally doing that.

God is doing amazing things in my life. Why not look at what God has been doing in my life? Why not look at what God can do through me? I am not a lump on a log, I am a human being who has a voice, who God created to do amazing things with. If I sit back and let life go, then I am unworthy. Worthiness comes from God becomes to Him I am worthy of it all.