God is always there.

Here is a simple truth, God knows everything, God is everywhere, God is with you right now. He knows intimate details about you that no one else knows. Before you fail, He knows. God is preparing a way for you. Stop pretending that He cannot see you. Stop thinking you can hide from him. It just doesn’t work.  God provides the light to see you in the darkness, in darkest times.

I battled my darkest times in 9th grade. I have my family as a witness. I wanted my life to end. I didn’t feel worthy of living.  I did turn to drugs, I turned to the computer to look for ways I can find worthiness. The more I got online, the more I clicked into inappropriate chatrooms and websites, the more I felt worthy. I got attention in ways a 14 year-old should’ve never gotten. I felt amazing, it was my high. But when those things got stripped from me, I began to go down a path, that was complete darkness. I had no worth anymore. I was alone. I wrote a suicide note, I was done with life. I had no one to turn to. I had nothing. But God has a better plan for me.There was a small light that started to overcome my darkness. I did not have scripture. I did not even have faith. I did not have anything.  But someone helped me out of the darkness, I did not do it by myself.

God was with me even when I didn’t even care if He existed. If there is a glimpse that someone has been watching over you, someone is looking out for you, somehow things always work out…God is that someone. If God did not love YOU he would have not taken on flesh, be tempted, be tortured, and eventually die for YOUR sins.

It’s a hard concept to realize that God made you worthy of everything. Jesus would still get up on the cross for YOU, if it was just YOU. YOU are worth dying for.  I am worth dying for.  That begger that you pass on the street, they are worth dying for.  God is everywhere. God is in everything. If you open your eyes and your heart you can see it and you can spread it. It is your choice whether or not you do so.

Non-Believer to a Believer

I opened my journal this morning and I just began reading from the beginning. This journal started Aug 2nd, 2012. A month before I found Jesus and almost 2 months before I accepted him as my Lord and Savior. Here’s what it reads:

“Today is Aug 2nd, 2012. … I want to start a new chapter in my life and I realized writing is really what I miss. I think I miss everything about it. It calms me, it makes me just fell good. Maybe it’s because it’s someone who doesn’t talk back and judge me and I can unfold all my secrets to. Someone who will always be there for me. Apparently, it is time for a new chapter in my life. Okay, so when is this man going to walk into it? Seriously.”

That entire entry can be summed up into the Man that did walk into my life a month later. It was a prayer that never left these lips, but left from a tip of a pen of a non-believer.

The next few entries were “secrets” or rather sins that just was confessed on paper. But the next entry was right before I met Jesus.

“Nothing. I have nothing, I feel like nothing. Nothing at all” (Undated)

I was depressed because I felt like nothing, unworthy, abandoned, I felt unloved. On the 22nd of September was my next post and it was about finding a great church home, one that I felt I was searching for even as a non-believer.

On October 28th 2012, God answered questions.

“…It was time for life to start. This is what I’ve been struggling with, with my faith, who is Jesus? Why is the Holy Trinity considered one person, one thing? Today my questions were answered. No, not by the sermon but by God speaking them into me. My mind is so clear right now. This is my awakening. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but I am willing and ready for it. Today I handed over my soul. Today I begin to live as Jesus as someone not afraid of faith, not afraid of judgment. I live for Him today, not me.”

After that day, I started writing my notes from the service and then have a reflection page after that. Sometimes it was 3 pages, sometimes it was a paragraph. All I know is, my Aug 2nd “prayer” led me to Jesus, it led me to a life that was unthinkable, unimaginable.

“In Christ I am loved. In Christ I am not alone. In Christ I am me.

Loving Life,
Tanya “