I want to start off by a simple yet powerful quote my pastor said, ‘You cannot be anxious and confident in God at the same time’.
This is how I processed the quote, if you have confindence in God then there is no way anxiety can get it. It’s like a glass, if it’s half full and you only think you have confidence in God, or you are doubting God, then there is still room for anxiety to get in. BUT if the glass was full with complete confidence then there is no room for anxiety at all, AND if anxiety tries to get in , the confindence that you have with God will overcome it.
This speaks directly to me. I have battled with anxiety and depression my entire life. I got to a point in 2010-2011 where I was seeking help, but not with people but with myself. I started browsing, “self-help” books. I would pick one up and read the back of the book and say to myself, ” totally me” or “I’m not that desperate.” I never read one of them. I actually disliked reading, but that’s not the point. The point was I didn’t think I was worthy of reading a book, I didn’t think I could find answers that I was searching for and I was right. None of those, “self-help” books could get where I am at today. None.
Sept of 2012 I gave my life to Christ. I was saved. In short little while after I was saved, I was forever changed. People began to ask me how I came so far in just a short time. My walls started falling and my chains started breaking. I started to tell them I had no clue but God must have favor in me and He does. But that’s not why my life changed. God has been working throughout my entire life, I just never noticed. My life changed because I gave it up. I let go of control. I surrendered. I let it “all” go at the cross. I laid it down. I was walking on water.
BUT sin started to creep back into my life, and my feet began to sink. The “new believer” faith was slipping. My confindence in God began to lower and my anxiety and depression became greater. Here’s the thing, it wasn’t a bad thing.
I’ll never forget this , a pastor stated at a conference I was at last year, “The pit is not permanent”. Meaning that even though you may fall, even though you have dug the whole with sin, even though you think you are separated from God. God has a way to grab your hand and bring you back out. Don’t give up.
I applied this to the ending of last year through this year when I began to question my faith. Where I began to find hope and worth in all the wrong places. When my depression and anxiety were at its breaking point. I began to tell myself, that this Christian walk would be easier if I just gave it up. If I just walked a way, I could be free to do whatever I so pleased. I could sin and not care if I only just walked away from God.
At that moment, I knew it was not me saying those things. At that moment when those thoughts began to play over in my mind I knew it was the enemy telling me to stop following God. BUT at that very moment. I turned back to God and gave it all up to Him. This time it wasn’t the “all” that I thought I could get a way with, this time it was deep dark secrets and lies that I have told myself. Sin that has been the core of my being that I didn’t even see.
I dove in the Word of God. I began to read Psalm 139, over and over again. I began reading scripture after scripture of God’s love. I began to listen to worship music and actually worship not just sing a song that I was doing for so long. I began to build my confindence in God back up. My faith became greater than it was before.
God never gave up on me. God put His hand out and lifted me up out of the pit I was in. I will fall again, sin will always be there. But I can rebuild because my foundation is dug deeper and my confindence in God is over flowing.