Fear to Fight

Tonight, I read my first blog post on here. It was actually reflective of my anonymous blog I wrote called “Crooked Self”. Now this was a short lived blog for about 6 months during my weight loss journey back in 2011. I kept it anonymous because I feared judgement and ridicule from my family and friends. So it allowed me to freely write without worry.

What’s great about it though is that I titled one my posts “Reality Check”. This post was about living in a “fantasy world”. Back then I was so untouched with reality and those around me, I lost touch with who I was and who God made me to be. I was secluded in this world because I was afraid of this world.

Fear ate me alive. I was afraid of failing, afraid of trying out for things, afraid of not making that part, afraid of judgement, afraid of dying, afraid someone or something was going to happen if I failed. I was even afraid to sleep when I was little because I was afraid of what might happen.

Being that fearful handicaps you. It drives you away from things and drives you away from reality. In 2001, I became majorly depressed and suicidal for the first time. I wanted to end my life because of some “boy” on the internet, mind you I had been a depressed state for a few years due to other reasons, but this “boy” set me over the edge. My life according to my definition was not worthy of living.

However, I wrote about it before I did it. I used to write poetry back in the day, so I wrote a poem called “My last Poem” or “My last Song”, I don’t remember exactly. Anyway, it was a poem about suicide and a poem about how life was not worth living. I was too fearful to talk to others so I let my words do the talking.

Fear strikes you down and holds you back. Fear is the reason, most of us don’t accomplish much. I let fear dictate who I was and my dreams. I ultimately let the enemy steal me away from God’s hope. He put blinders on me and pulled me away from where I could’ve been.

But my could’ve been wasn’t where God wanted me. My could’ve been was where God had me. You see I can sit back and wonder what might have been, but that’s not my story. My story is broken, full of fear, and darkness but my story also has forgiveness, grace, hope, and redemption. I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be still peeling back the layers of my insecurities and knocking down the walls of my fears and doubts.

God created a beautiful story in me. A story I get to share to everyone around me. A story I get use to help some of the teenagers around me and help those who are fighting what I faced. And there are people out there who have stories that will help me get through the next challenge I’m up against.

We all face a past but your past can either dictate your future by constantly reliving it or you can move on from it and let God use it to help those around you.

Fear doesn’t define my everyday life anymore. The only fear I really have in my life is a healthy fear of God. I am still learning life little by little and I’m still learning a lot about myself even at my age. I might be different. I might be a little weird, but what’s most important is that I am me. I am striving to become the woman God called me to be. I have a calling on my life to live for God and to serve Jesus.

No matter where you are in life, I pray that you let down the fears that holds you back. I pray you walk the walk God has for you. I pray that you overcome whatever past you might have. I pray that life brings you joy, peace, and happiness. I pray blessings over you. God has amazing things in store for everyone of us if we just surrender to his will, we just have to give up trying to fight our past to give ourselves a future.


 

Straggler

Are you a straggler? I was. 

Everyone knows the Old Testament stories of the parting of the seas.  But what people don’t know, is there were people who were full of fear, full of anxiety. They didn’t expect God to move for them. They were the stragglers.

I used to sit the side lines of life and waiting for God to call my name that it was my turn. I saw God moving abundantly in other people’s lives. I never felt good enough. I never felt that God was going to move in my life.  That I was unworthy of God. I stopped belittling myself. I stop thinking that I wasn’t worthy. Because I am.

So are you. You are worthy of everything. If you see God moving in others life, stop filling yourself with fear. It is written in Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭6‬ – “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  God will never foresake you. If he can move in other people’s lives, He can move in yours.

God will and can move through you.  But it is up to you. You are either full of fear of God not coming through, maybe because He did not come through in the past. If you want something, does not mean God wants you to have it or to do it.  Don’t take your past and try to say God did not come through, because He has. He has always been there, and He will continue to be there, He will not abandon you.  

So it is up to you to decide if you are going to be the straggler or will you have enough confindence in the Lord, will you have enough faith in the Heavenly Father to trust that He knows what He is doing. Let go of control. Stop holding up the walls you refuse to let down and breaks the chains of your past and trust in the Lord. 

Don’t be the straggler awaiting for something to happen. Be the faithful one and walk with the Lord not by fear but by confindence.