Don’t be your own worst enemy

Don’t be your own worst enemy. I’m sure you are questioning that last part. Let me tell you what I am talking about.

Over the past few months, I haven’t felt motivated to dig deep. I haven’t felt motivated to grow. I haven’t really felt connected to God, at times I felt abandoned and alone. I tried to do my personal Bible readings,  but it was a complete struggle. I stopped listening to sermons online, I stopped listening to Podcasts, to me I just didn’t “feel” like it. However, those moments began to add up and soon I “forgot” about them.

Then my personal Bible readings, I noticed only happening Sunday mornings. As much as I longed for the Word, I noticed the Word began to feel like only words as if it was just a book.  I felt numb and pulling away from my walk.

I didn’t know what was going on. I felt like I was slipping down in a spiral and that I couldn’t stop myself. But I began to journal and I figured out what I was longing for, love. Just to feel loved, because over the past few months I felt empty and alone. I didn’t go out and search for it like I did in the past, but the temptation starred at me in the face.  Instead, I isolated myself. I became my own worst enemy.

Here are the problems with isolation; temptation, thoughts, and forgetting who God says we are. Temptation stares at you in the face and the flesh is quicker to win when you remain isolated. Those negative thoughts speak louder. Who God says you are gets put away and you begin to believe the thoughts that you are worthless, unloveable, no good…etc. I could go on, but those words reply over and over in your head and you begin to believe them.

But we are sons and daughters of God. We are His children. He loves us. He never has stopped loving us. Just because you slip into isolation and you slip into darkness. Doesn’t mean God has forgotten about you. It doesn’t mean that God has given up on you. It doesn’t mean all of a sudden you are unqualified to be His Child. What it means is that it is time to stop thinking about your OWN wants, your OWN desires, just stop thinking about YOU.  And start focusing on who GOD wants us to love, OTHERS.

So when I say don’t become your own worst enemy, what I am saying is selfishness will only lead to isolation and separation from God, but LOVE, love will lead to God because “if we love God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” (1 John 4:12b)

So wipe the tears away, get off your bed, and start walking towards who God called you to be.



Unintentionally Intentional Ignorance

Today during the sermon, I began to question whether or not I was intentionally avoiding connection with God or if it was unintentional.

There’s this saying that is “You will set time for things you want to set time for” So if you don’t make God a priority are you intentionally avoiding connection with Him?  You could argue both sides. However, I believe at least for me, it’s  unintentionally intentional. Meaning that at first I unintentionally placed God on the back burner. I unintentionally allowed my time with Him to be put aside, but as time marches on you get to a point where you recognize it, but instead of acknowledging it and setting time aside, you continue ignoring it and it becomes a pattern in your life.

Why do we get to that point? Why do we let it become a pattern?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who struggles with this whole connection thing. Maybe it’s just me who feels broken and tries to hide it and hide from it. I mean seriously if I don’t talk no one will know right? If I don’t say anything no one will know that I’m secretly struggling with my connection with God, if I don’t say anything no one will know that I struggle with loneliness, no one will know that I struggle with worthiness, no one will know that I struggle with accepting any compliment as genuine, no one will know that I struggle with relationships, no one will know that I am a complete mess and completely broken.  Hiding prevents the light from coming in and allows for darkness to creep in.

Don’t hide. Don’t be afraid to tell people who you trust in your life what you are going through because God doesn’t want you to go through life alone. God put those people in your life for a reason. Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but God doesn’t grow you in your comfort zone. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to not be okay in moments. You allowed not to be perfect. Don’t let your sinful self be what’s holding you back from your connection with God.

So if we don’t make God a priority  we will lose that connection. We lose our ability to keep fighting, because we aren’t allowing God to provide our strength, we only rely on our own. God has amazing plans for your life, you just have to be able to make Him a priority again in your life. Let God be your King of your life again, let Him be God again.


Here’s a tid bit about who I used to be…

I worshipped men because I felt “loved”  by them, any male who showed interest. I felt amazing and “loved” so much. But because of that it has put a tare into any and all relationships. I don’t know what a healthy one is. This was me for most of my life.

I lost my virginity at the age of 14, because another 14 year old boy, showed intrest in me. From that moment on, I defined the feeling of “love” as a sexual interest. I was drawn to pornography. I was drawn to chat rooms with random men, where I pretended to be older, and I would “cyber” because that was cool and it made me  feel special because they were thinking about me, though a fake me. I played these games for years and I attached myself to the computer. Because I felt like this was my life and it’s the best life because it doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you seem charming, your great. It damaged myself and self worth dramatically, and scared my life. 

Even at college though , I found myself doing the same thing. But it wasn’t hiding behind a computer, it was behind alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. I felt great, guys showed interest and my life was great again. 

I just wanted to be noticed by the male persuasion because I felt “loved”. And when you define love as sexual immorality, and idolatry combined into one, you are an empty pit because you never get the true love that is only God  given. 

But that was my life for 13 years. Pornography, sexual relations, idolatry of men, drunkenness, and I’m sure many other ways that God has yet to reveal to me.  

The most freeing thing was I was baptized. I would say salvation, but I didn’t think I sinned “that bad” at that point. I thought I was “moral”. But I wasn’t I was still meeting men at random hotels, I was still watching and looking at pornography. But the greatest thing was, God was showing me through His word and teachings that I was loved. He was wrapping his arms around me to tell me that “it’s okay, Daddy’s got you.”

I have never felt a love so true then the love of Jesus Christ. Many people find “love” in all wrong places like I did.   And doing so has scarred my future relationships. It was put hole in my soul that I maybe able to patch with some smiles and laughs but only God can heal the true hole that is rooted to the core.

I have to repent my sins, I have to leave it all at the foot of the cross. Because it is written,

 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9 

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” -Proverbs 28:13 

“Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.” -Acts 8:22

You get the point. I repent my sins because I love the Lord and I need forgiveness for all of it.  Not just the sin I can live without.