Hiding Behind a Smile

Growing up in a dysfunctional family was not easy. It’s not easy when you can’t ask for help because your parents are sincerely afraid you will be taken from them by social services. It’s not easy because you were told as a young girl to pretend that everything is okay at home. Pretending especially in church that life at home was butterflies and roses because your parents and family were important members of the church. We couldn’t  be a disgrace to the Bowman name they said. That’s what we were told as kids, or maybe it was just me. Maybe I was the embarrassment  and disgrace to the family.

Regardless, I grew up with idea that I had to be someone different. So I always slapped a smile on my face to hide behind. I put on the mask of pretending that the little girl inside of me wasn’t broken and definitely didn’t need fixing. So walls were formed and chains were anchored.

Every challenge I faced as a teenager and young adult, I figured out how to solve it by myself. I figured out ways to do life alone. But that was just it. I was pretending to have it altogether and yet never ask for help. I never reached out to friends because I didn’t need them. I’ve been there and done it before by myself, why do I need a friend to help me through. No wonder why every one of my “best” friends abandoned me, I was a terrible friend, even though I thought I was the best friend anyone could have. I was so prideful on who I pretended to be, that I lost my true self.

Somewhere underneath the masks and behind the walls, there is a person God created for me to be. As I became a Christian my life changed. Walls that were built up tumbled down, chains were finally let go. But there was a problem; I became vulnerable and as a young girl, I was told never to be vulnerable. At first it was a great feeling of just trying to become myself. But ultimately the walls began to get built up again, chains of my past began to weld themselves back into place. It was were I was comfortable, as much as, I did not want to go back there.

I would say I am not exactly where I was before I became a follower of Jesus. But what I do know is my identity lies in Christ. I cannot dictate who I am, I cannot pretend to be someone I am not because that devalues Christ himself and what he died for.

I am slowly chipping away at the woman God created for me to be. But in order for me to pick up the chisel, I must first lay down my burdens and my sin at the foot of the cross and allow God to his will through me.

Desperation of love

By now everyone knows I grew up in a dysfunctional family, though I believe everyone’s family is dysfunctional in some way. But it scarred me, it scarred my heart. The only love that I was able witness love  from a parent to a child. I saw hate and despair as child between a mothers and fathers eyes, not love.

So naturally I craved love. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to know what it was like.  So I immediately at the age of 14 decided to go online into chat-rooms and start a relationship with someone ONLINE. First off, I lied about my age, weight, and appearance. It was the person I WANTED to be. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, and skinny. It ended badly. It ended me attached to a screen and keyboard just wanting to be with a person who had no idea who I was or what I was about.  I fell into a deep depression after we “broke-up”. I wanted to die, I was in so much agony. Whereas I can laugh at it now because it was childish, back then it was so real. It was my life.  My life was on the edge of ending because I someone decided they didn’t want to love me, I saw myself as worthless, disgusting, overweight teen, who never would be able to be loved ever again.

After college my life was settled down. Instead of trying to  become friends with people I settled for the idea of I am okay with just my family. So I latched onto my family. I latched on to the aspect of them taking care of me. I latched onto the idea of never having to stand on my own two-feet. I latched onto the idea that dating online again was okay. At the age of 25 my life got complicated. I started being desperate for love again. I started going back into the free “online dating”. This time I was me, but desperately me. I wanted to be with anyone who showed me “love”. So I met a few random men offline. That was a mistake. All of that was a mistake.

I decided to pay for online dating. Nothing, I got no one. No one wanted to be with this pathetic girl who was desperate for love. No one wanted to be with this girl who didn’t have her life together. I didn’t know who I was, how could I expect someone to love me when I didn’t love myself? It starts with me.  I began crying at night, calling out to the God wanting help, I wasn’t even a Christian then. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just knew I saw it in movies, my mom used to pray with me at night, this was what I supposed to do.  I was desperate for love. I wanted pure love, no strings attached, no ‘you have to do this’ to love me.

As God started softening my heart without me knowing it, I got invited to my current church. I realized the love I was praying for was His love. I didn’t know who I was, He knows who I am, He knew what I was searching for.  Whenever I start to feel lonely, whenever I start to feel as though I need someone by my side to be with me, to make me feel worthy and loved,  I slip to my past and do the online dating again, but then I realized as I pray, I as I dig into the scripture I realized that I am okay. I am okay where I am. I am more than okay with just the love the Lord has for me. I found a community, a church that loves me, I found friends that I never knew I could be friends with. I found the love that Jesus wants me to have. I don’t need the love of a significant other to make me happy, to make me feel worthy. I can do that for myself for I am worthy because God tells me I am. I am a princess who deserves everything.

 

 

“Newness of Life”

Inspired by Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

I grew up in a church that was not about the baptism or at least not publicized . I honestly, do not know what they believed, I was 11 the last time I stepped foot in that church.  I did not step foot into another church till I was in my late teens or early 20s. I was searching for something, but I didn’t know what. When someone told me to join them for church, I would say “sure” but I never filled out anything and typically would only return a few months later with the same person.

Why church? I do not know. I could’ve tried something else. I liked singing the traditional songs, I knew them, but I didn’t get anything out of it. I was lost. I had no idea what was going on right in front of me.

I started the church I am at now by going to a baptism, because even though I knew nothing about the faith, even though I knew nothing about Jesus. I knew baptism of a person was a huge deal. I went to support her and watch her get baptized.  I was saved two weeks after that. However, I did not get baptized until 10 months after starting the church.

I did not get baptized because I was scared. I thought I was ready months before. But I wasn’t. I was still trying to figure out this whole follower of Christ thing, I did not share on Social Media about my faith, I didn’t share to anyone about my faith. I was scared of what people thought of me. But then I began to journal, I began writing about my faith, I began reading the bible more. I began trusting God with my life. I started just giving everything up to Him.

As I began that, the “Baptism Sign-ups” just kept glaring at me. I kept thinking, I can do this, but I did not want anyone to see me sign-up, I didn’t want a million and one questions. I didn’t want the attention. So one Sunday, for an odd reason no one was around yet. I wrote my name on that list. A month later I was baptized.

My faith went from being just a thing “I do” to becoming my life. I was consumed by the faith. There are many aspects of my life that changed from that day on. When Carrie Underwood states “There’s something in the water” it’s true. Completely true. There are many parts of the bible that talks about Baptism. Here’s what it says in Romans:

“Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.” Romans 6:3-4 ESV

I changed. My family looks at me differently now, my “friends” became my old friends, and new friends, a new family started. You are not meant to walk the earth by yourself. You are not meant to be a follower of Jesus Christ by yourself.

I was singing Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) at a Phil Wickham concert the other day and I was amazed. My church sang this when I was lost. My church sang this and I did but just as a “sing-a-long” and only to the “Amazing Grace” part of the song. But just the other week, I was singing it from the heart and I realized that my chains are gone. There’s only a few left but those will take many years to break but the ones that I thought were anchored to bottom the sea, that I could never break from. They are no longer there. It was a freeing moment.

Through the eyes of a little girl

Time to be honest, that’s the the theme of recent. Domestic violence is the media. Most people know someone who was involved with it.

Let’s get real. It happens everyday. Nothing is new, but now it’s such a popular topic people are trying to make awareness out of it. I am. Let me tell you regardless if it’s you whom is getting abused, or the abuser, it affects everyone around you not just you.

Growing up, it seemed like we had it all together as a family, at least from the outside. I even thought we had it together for a glimpse moment. However, we did not. My father was never home but when he was he was angry, and I don’t mean just a little attitude I mean, ANGRY. He would go in yell at my mom, for not doing a. b. and c. things and would sit there and say she was worthless. At this time my mom worked nights, was going to school part-time and had 4 kids to raise.

My mom had a terrible car accident in 1993 which left with a severely broken neck. She could no longer work at the hospital where she was working, she had to quit school. Therefore, my mom stayed home and took care of those around her. Here’s the thing, my mom wanted to work. My mom wanted to provide for her family. My dad wouldn’t let her. My dad told her it was better that she stayed home so it insured that everything was in order when he got home from work.

My dad would get so angry at the little things that he would just snap. There where things that were seen that should never have been seen by a little girl. I saw my father throw rocks at my mom, yelling at her telling her she was completely worthless, I saw my dad lift his hands to my mom more times then I can remember, and that is just the physical part. Here’s the thing, my mom believed him at the time. She thought she was worthless.Then when I myself was a teenager, my father strangled me. Apparently, I was so worthless, I was unworthy of even living. It defined me.

Mom, I love you, this is not your fault. I grew up thinking that women were worthless, that I myself was worthless. That the point of living was only for a man. The point of life was to get married and to have kids and to wait on the husband. The point that a man is allowed to talk to a women however he so pleases because he “owned her”.  This is not right.

I am still feeling the repercussions of the abuse today, emotionally and mentally.

Get help. There is help out there. Abuse spreads throughout the family, even if you don’t think the kids are watching, they are.

Scars of the Past

I realized that scars of the past are the hardest to hide and hardest to get rid of. If you sit and dwell and pick at the scars all they will do is come back worse.

I can say to me I had a bad childhood
, that’s my excuse, but it’s not. I have no excuse of why I would dwell in a past that I cannot change. I did for many years thinking my life COULD be different. I COULD be married, I COULD have kids, I COULD have done this or that if my life was different. But IT’S NOT. I lost myself for many years that I don’t even remember who I was or am.

After I met Jesus things started to change, but it has taken years for the scars to get mended. It has taken years for God to tell me and for me to listen, ‘It’s time to move on’. I am finally doing that.

God is doing amazing things in my life. Why not look at what God has been doing in my life? Why not look at what God can do through me? I am not a lump on a log, I am a human being who has a voice, who God created to do amazing things with. If I sit back and let life go, then I am unworthy. Worthiness comes from God becomes to Him I am worthy of it all.

God’s Path

James 4:15 “Instead yo ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths”

God’s will. Our paths he chose for us.

Christians, non-Christians, regardless of who you are we have no control of any given situation. Yet we live our lives like we do. We put burdens and stresses on our shoulders and it impacts everything we do and how we act. It affects your family, your kids, and everyone around you. Non-Christians believe that it’s their will and it will be done, therefore they put all effort and energy into doing things to get things done. Yet, Christians will say “But if it’s God’s will…” but we do not practice those very words. We act like we have control of the outcome. The only control that we have is the control of ourselves praying, but yet many of us still do not pray.  As Christians we should be full of joy not stresses and burdens. 

Last week, I was beyond stressed, I was sick, but I don’t know what came first. Was I sick because I was stressed out? or Was I actually sick and it enhanced my stress? I have no idea. But what I do know is that today, I am not sick, I am not stressed, the burdens are no longer there. Why? Because I gave up my ability to control the situation. I gave it back to God who had it to begin with. I was foolish. I was not being a true Christ follower. I was being a selfish person who thought she could control her own life, and I look back at last week and all my days before that and I think, God did everything, and I did nothing. That time I got into college when I didn’t even hit the “Submit” button on the online application, God hit it for me.  

There are things in our lives that we just need to give it over to God. We may think we have control, but we do not. He makes our paths, we just build the trenches, that keep us from going forward down that path.

Victim of Life

‘There are people who will speech life into you, but there are also people who will speak death into you.’ – Pastor

I never thought of the latter part of that phrase. People can speak “death” into you? Then I think back to my past, and I see the man who did that my entire life that spoke ‘death’ into me. And yet he was a member of a church, and claimed to be Christian, he claimed to ‘love’ everyone. He claimed a lot of things. But yet I was a girl. I couldn’t amount to anything. I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t smart, I was dumb, I was ugly, I was fat, I shouldn’t even be alive. I didn’t have the right, because I didn’t deserve it. 

I didn’t have a strong enough ‘life’ speaker to outweigh the ‘death’ speaker. So the ‘death’ speaker won and it ate at my soul, it built walls up.  It took me into the deep depression and making not want to be around a man I looked up to, a man I thought loved me. Instead it took me to my room, my bed, me crying into my pillow at night, because I was unworthy of everything. This led me to locking myself in my room for almost a year, led to this man attacking me, led to a lot of things. I was a victim of life.

I never searched for a church, I wasn’t really searching for God, I wasn’t searching for anything because I allowed myself to say ‘I don’t care about my life, it is was it is, I am unworthy anyways’. (Now I know it’s because God had his hands on me the entire time) Guess what? The moment I sat down in that church, I whispered to myself, “I am home”,  it was God saying “Welcome Home” . I am home because this is where the love I have been searching for, the man I should’ve been looking up to, Jesus.  

I am no longer a victim of my past. I cannot allow the words of the past to judge my future or my present. I don’t need a man who speaks ‘death’ into me.THE MAN redeemed me, he saved me, He shed his blood for me; HE LOVES ME. IT Is more then any man of earth could ever do for me.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”  Romans 8:38-39

I want to SHOUT

My family, that’s complicated. We’re complicated. People tell me I have a weird, drama full family. Now we have a Jesus worshiper and follower, and all she wants to do is just love Jesus and live HER life, not theirs. I am that person. I used to quiet subdued and did not say anything and just went with the flow. I decided to slam on the brakes to the fast track life of failure that I was going down. I decided to follow Jesus and do you know, even though “raised’ in a “Christian family”, they do not agree with my following. I get from every single one of them,”I’m glad it makes you happy”. Do they really? Makes me happy? In all honesty, my emotions and my brokenness is worse then when I was a fast track to hell. Not everyday am I happy, not everyday am full of joy, not everyday I laugh, not everyday to rejoice in the Lord; but I can and I should. I can turn back to Jesus and know that everything will be okay. I know that he is there. I can pray, I can worship him.  I have a savior.

(I also get, “Is she okay?”)

I do not care who agrees with me anymore. I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I don’t want to sit back and let people tell me what to believe. I want to be loud. He saved me from hell, from my past, from my failures. I am sick and tired of people telling me I am either a failure, or I have no idea what I am getting myself into. Guess what? I don’t care. I am saved regardless if I think my life is failing regardless if I don’t think I have anyone to turn to. Regardless of anything. I have Jesus Christ right beside me and he will be with me for an eternity. I can’t say that about my family, I can’t say that about my friends because I do not know who is “Christian” or who is a Christian. I cannot speak for them.  I can only speak for me and my relationship with God.