Through the eyes of a little girl

Time to be honest, that’s the the theme of recent. Domestic violence is the media. Most people know someone who was involved with it.

Let’s get real. It happens everyday. Nothing is new, but now it’s such a popular topic people are trying to make awareness out of it. I am. Let me tell you regardless if it’s you whom is getting abused, or the abuser, it affects everyone around you not just you.

Growing up, it seemed like we had it all together as a family, at least from the outside. I even thought we had it together for a glimpse moment. However, we did not. My father was never home but when he was he was angry, and I don’t mean just a little attitude I mean, ANGRY. He would go in yell at my mom, for not doing a. b. and c. things and would sit there and say she was worthless. At this time my mom worked nights, was going to school part-time and had 4 kids to raise.

My mom had a terrible car accident in 1993 which left with a severely broken neck. She could no longer work at the hospital where she was working, she had to quit school. Therefore, my mom stayed home and took care of those around her. Here’s the thing, my mom wanted to work. My mom wanted to provide for her family. My dad wouldn’t let her. My dad told her it was better that she stayed home so it insured that everything was in order when he got home from work.

My dad would get so angry at the little things that he would just snap. There where things that were seen that should never have been seen by a little girl. I saw my father throw rocks at my mom, yelling at her telling her she was completely worthless, I saw my dad lift his hands to my mom more times then I can remember, and that is just the physical part. Here’s the thing, my mom believed him at the time. She thought she was worthless.Then when I myself was a teenager, my father strangled me. Apparently, I was so worthless, I was unworthy of even living. It defined me.

Mom, I love you, this is not your fault. I grew up thinking that women were worthless, that I myself was worthless. That the point of living was only for a man. The point of life was to get married and to have kids and to wait on the husband. The point that a man is allowed to talk to a women however he so pleases because he “owned her”.  This is not right.

I am still feeling the repercussions of the abuse today, emotionally and mentally.

Get help. There is help out there. Abuse spreads throughout the family, even if you don’t think the kids are watching, they are.

Victim of Life

‘There are people who will speech life into you, but there are also people who will speak death into you.’ – Pastor

I never thought of the latter part of that phrase. People can speak “death” into you? Then I think back to my past, and I see the man who did that my entire life that spoke ‘death’ into me. And yet he was a member of a church, and claimed to be Christian, he claimed to ‘love’ everyone. He claimed a lot of things. But yet I was a girl. I couldn’t amount to anything. I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t smart, I was dumb, I was ugly, I was fat, I shouldn’t even be alive. I didn’t have the right, because I didn’t deserve it. 

I didn’t have a strong enough ‘life’ speaker to outweigh the ‘death’ speaker. So the ‘death’ speaker won and it ate at my soul, it built walls up.  It took me into the deep depression and making not want to be around a man I looked up to, a man I thought loved me. Instead it took me to my room, my bed, me crying into my pillow at night, because I was unworthy of everything. This led me to locking myself in my room for almost a year, led to this man attacking me, led to a lot of things. I was a victim of life.

I never searched for a church, I wasn’t really searching for God, I wasn’t searching for anything because I allowed myself to say ‘I don’t care about my life, it is was it is, I am unworthy anyways’. (Now I know it’s because God had his hands on me the entire time) Guess what? The moment I sat down in that church, I whispered to myself, “I am home”,  it was God saying “Welcome Home” . I am home because this is where the love I have been searching for, the man I should’ve been looking up to, Jesus.  

I am no longer a victim of my past. I cannot allow the words of the past to judge my future or my present. I don’t need a man who speaks ‘death’ into me.THE MAN redeemed me, he saved me, He shed his blood for me; HE LOVES ME. IT Is more then any man of earth could ever do for me.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”  Romans 8:38-39