alone – Tanya Elise

I don’t know where to even begin.

Life has its ups and downs. But right now I’m in a valley, I may look like I’m climbing the hill, but every day there’s a struggle to even begin the first step.

The saying is “it’s just one foot in front of another”. Yes that is true but those who are in dark places, are learning to walk again. They need someone to hold on to, someone to help them up if they fall down.

I’ve been battling depression lately, it’s been really hard. I’m not going to lie and tell you, I’m okay. I’m not. It’s been hard to get out of bed in the mornings. It’s been hard to open the Word of God in the mornings. It’s been hard repeating the promises of God over and over again. BUT it doesn’t mean I don’t overcome and do it. It may not feel right in the moment, but it’s okay.

The hardest thing is I feel alone even when I’m not. I sat a Rend Collective concert last weekend, and I literally felt like I brought only myself to the concert. I brought 3 other people and there was some of my church family sitting beside me. I’ve begun to keep to myself more, and isolate myself. It’s dangerous.

Today at church pastor touched on some topics near and dear to me and my struggles. He was reading from Hebrews 10:19-25; below are a few verses:

“let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” -‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:22-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Pastor stated “Jesus is faithful, even when we’re not full of faith.” So I may struggled and I may have some dark places and sometimes I will get stuck in a valley. BUT it doesn’t mean I give up. It doesn’t mean that God has given up on me. It means that some days may be hard, but God still has hold of me. I may fall but Jesus is still my anchor. I’m not less than or more than because I struggle with depression. I’m a human being who has flaws and struggles. God still loves me. Jesus is still faithful.

Tonight I literally sat in service at a church I’ve been watching for a few years online. Tonight was one of the hardest messages I’ve heard, maybe it was impact of the message of being at the church or maybe I was SUPPOSE to be there and the Holy Spirit just spoke clearer than watching it online. Either way, God had his hand in every aspect of the message that was delivered to me.

First off, the message was titled, “Hidden Issues”. Issues that I’m hiding from, not you but me. What am I hiding from, & what am I hiding behind, were the questions asked. My self inclined reaction was nothing, I’m not hiding, everyone knows everything, right? Wrong.

As Pastor Steven was preaching my insecurities, my fears, my self-doubt, my reactions to things, how I personally respond to situations that I tell no one about just started playing over and over in my head. I was hiding. My selfishness and self centered ways showed off its ugly head this evening.

My issues go all the way back from early childhood. It’s not my family’s fault. I can blame them but the reality of it all, it’s my own fault to be holding on to things that I don’t even realize I hold on to. My issues are my issues, it’s not their burden to carry.

I have to get over my ownself. I have to literally spend time with God away from all the distractions in this world, and just be one with my father. I’ve been longing for this for so long, I can do it for a few moments but then everytime I get distracted, I reconnect, I put my focus on anywhere but my Father

I recently took that jump, I trusted God, and quit at the time my only income source, my job. I felt God was calling me to, but I quickly forgot as to why. Where there may be several reasons, the number one reason was my relationship with my Father was struggling. I told my pastor that all I was doing was working, and I get inclined to do so, I loved my coworkers and why not bend over backwards for them? It’s who I am, it’s who God made me. But here’s the thing, it started destroying the very thing that I hold as an anchor in my life, my relationship with my Father. So what won there my gifts or my Father? My Father ultimately got the way, and I quit my job. But it stopped there.

I prayed but not the extent I should. Recently, I was asked “What is God telling you to do?”. I couldn’t answer it. I didn’t know because I was focusing so much energy to my freedom that I neglected to remember why God called me out of my job to begin with, to build up and mend my relationship with him, so that I can do and serve with gifts he gave me to better His Kingdom, to live on mission with God.

So when I say, I need to get over myself, and have that personal time with God, I do. I have to get over me because I know for fact I am what is holding me back, no one or nothing else.