The Quiet One

I thought I was getting better, I thought my quietness was starting to end. However, people started pointing it out again. They came up to me Friday night and said “You’ve been here for a half hour and haven’t said a word”.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why can I not form a sentence when I am around people in the social atmosphere. Is it social anxiety? According to WebMD, “[Social Anxiety] is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others”. The first part is no, I do not have a fear of getting together with people and being around them. I do not have a fear of any social situation, I love socializing (even if I don’t talk). However, I do agree with the latter part to a point.

Is it just simply I am an introvert? I would agree with that if it was around people I did not know. If it’s around people I know, I do not believe it’s about being an introvert, I have known these people for sometime now. I should not be afraid to talk to them. I should not be unable to form a sentence of a thought.

At work I am a completely different person. At work I am outgoing and talk to everyone, even people I do not know. At church, on a Sunday Morning, I used to be quiet but I rarely am any more, I will speak to any one. Church meetings, I have begun to talk more. I started talking to everyone more. I thought I was doing better.

Last year, some of the leaders of the church went to TN for a week. It was a great week. I had a great time. However, someone told me that I did not talk almost the entire trip,  after the fact. It was so normal then, that I did not even notice. Now I notice everytime. I approach things now differently and I pump myself up by saying “It will be different today”, “ I am not the same person”, “Don’t fear for He is with me”, sometimes I turn to the bible and read scripture about anxiety.

When did I get this way? Why did He make me like this? Who would want to be around a person who does not talk? I want to change. I do not like being this quiet. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why God me like this. But what I do know is, there is a way for me to change. There is hope, I just have faith. I believe God made me this way for a reason, maybe to learn how to overcome it so I can help others with the same problem or maybe it was so I learned how to gain confidence in myself. Either way it does not matter. Either way I know I am not meant to stay this way.

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